"It's a good job I thought to buy that amazon geothermal UPS from Jeff", thought Elon, as the lights came back on. "Emergency power restored sir", said Derek. "What about that pigeon?" "He won't be bothering anyone any more, sir", said Derek, holding up a cardboard box full of metal parts and a few broken silicon chips. Derek noticed some writing on one of the bits of metal, it said "a ..cebo.. produc.", but he couldn't make out all of the letters, as some had been burned off in the explosion. "The amazon EMP-proof emergency pigeon mallet did the trick, sir", said Derek. "Good", said Elon, "I guess he got his just desserts!". But neither of them realised, that a super-intelligent AI cat dude called Agent Whiskers was now at loose, in their site computers!
The TV sprang back into life. The interminable eurovision song contest was still on the box, and it was the turn of the British entry. Elon turned white, and looked aghast; "these eurovision songs are bloody awful!", he shouted. Two seconds later the 10 million dollar amazon ultra-fi sound system (for it had originally been a present from the alien hybrid Bezorian himself) burst into life: "Mars, Grimes on mars, red plaaaa-net" sang the stereo, as Princess Grimes' dulcet tones reverberated around the room.
View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ycp65bcUOY
Elon threw the remaining cornflakes at the TV, muttering "oh not again, that's the fifth time this week" under his breath. Scowling grimly, for he knew what had to be done, he banged the elevator button, and the whole room rapidly ascended the 500 feet to the surface, revealing windows and a stunning view across the radioactive tropical rainforest of Giga-Berlin, outside.
Standing up, he walked over to the stereo, tore it from the grecian marble plinth upon which it rested and threw it out of the window. "Oh, Eeley, I'm sorrreee, babes" whined Princess Grimes, using his pet name and draping her arms across his shoulders; but he refused to be mollified. He had important work to do, didn't she know he was an important physicist, who had to wrestle with hard sums, while she was sitting there drinking pina-coladas and eating her after-eights? He'd studied Physics at university, you know, oh yes. And he had some tough problems he was currently working on. He went back to the settee, logged into the FreeBSD terminal and resumed his calculations, his fingers flying over the IBM model M keyboard, typing in formulae and equations at blistering speed, with terms like "thrust vectoring", "gimbal harness" and "fluid dynamics".
Seeing this, Princess Grimes drifted sulkily over to the window and looked wistfully down at the smashed stereo, lying on the ground below. It was ok, she would order another one from amazon tomorrow, like all the others; she had his credit card number. Suddenly she heard a strange humming noise and looked up. "Elon, there's a flying saucer!", she said in a surprised tone. "Your tablets are in the medicine cabinet, dear" said Elon, focusing on his hard sums, for the Orange Stable Genius had assured him, months before, that all that Roswell and Area 51 stuff was really just a load of nonsense. "No, really!", said Princess Grimes, "its up there!", and she lent out of the window, to get a better look.
All of a sudden, a hideous huge hairy Morlock, with dripping yellow fangs and glowing red eyes, stuck its arm through the window and grabbed hold of Princess Grimes, pulling her out through the window and into the flying saucer! "ELON!!!" shrieked the Princess, but he didn't seem to hear her, engrossed as he was in his calculations, and tryng to get the stupid Rust compiler to work. Why did they have to use that damn language anyway, he thought, what was wrong with C? It was all bloody Torvald's fault, ever since he'd allowed it into the penguin kernel, he thought. Luckily he knew that FreeBSD hadn't made the same mistake! He carried on, intently typing on the keyboard in front of him, wrestling with hard sums and intermittant flight control system bugs. Meanwhile, outside the window, the flying saucer sped away, carrying the captured Princess; leaving only the Morlock's ghastly, haunting, maniacal laugh, floating on the breeze behind it!
Three hours passed, and Elon finally sat up. "I have it!" he exclaimed, "if we stop half-filling the battery pack with sand and use real lithium instead, we can double the range! I've made a breakthrough! I'm a genius! I'll phone aliexpress tomorrow and tell them what to do!" Then he looked around, and it suddenly dawned on him that it had been unusually quiet for for some time. Too quiet! Where was Princess Grimes?
He got up quickly and searched around the penthouse, growing increasingly desparate, calling her name; and then came to a sudden, shocking realisation: Princess Grimes had vanished!!! His mouth turned dry, and a cold sweat broke out on his brow. Outside the window, the sky suddenly darkened, as huge black storm clouds gathered overhead.
Where could she be, he wondered? The last thing he remembered, before he had put on the ear defenders, was she had been over by the window, and he dimly remembered her saying something about a flying saucer. He walked across the room to the window, where he spied a highly suspicious, small brown envelope, lying on the window sill.
"Ah-ha!", Elon announced, "I've found, a cleur!".
"A cleur?" asked Derek.
"Yes, a cleur!", said Elon, "you see, there's a highly suspicious, small brown envelope, lying on the window sill! I wonder what secret message is inside it?".
He opened the peculiar leathery brown envelope, notiing a foetid stench of decay as he did so, and unfolded a piece of strange yellowed parchment, that he found inside; he couldn't help but notice that the message written on it was penned in a kind of rusty brown ink. A sudden knot of fear, clenched at his stomach!
He read the message on the piece of strange yellowed parchment; it said:-
"To Sir Elon Truss, Bart., Knight of the Round Table, Order of the Garter, Keeper of the King's Chamber Pot, Supplier of EVs to the Orange Stable Genius, etc, etc
We have captured Princess Grimes in our UFO! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahha!!!
From, the evil wicked Morlocks.
Sir Elon's eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Just as I thought!", he said to himself, "this is highly suspicous! Some foul deceiver was trying to trick him! Was Duck Sucker Berg, the Dark Lord of the GIF, up to his old tricks again, he wondered?! Could this possibly be something to do with the Princess's disappearance? Or was it all some dastardly plot, to lead him astray!
Then he noticed something was written at the bottom of the page; in capital letters, it said: "P.T.O."
He turned the strange yellowed parchment over and read: "THE MORLOCKS ARE TAKING PRINCESS GRIMES TO MARS, IN THEIR FLYING SAUCER!"
And then, on the line below, he read: "P.S. ITS DEFINITELY NOT A TRAP!"
"Great Scott!!" exclaimed Sir Elon. And right at that moment there was a tremendous clap of thunder in the sky outside, and a terrific flash of lightning that lit up the room, reflecting off the ancestral suit of armour in the corner.
"Jeeves!", he cried, "prepare my spaceship! We must save the Princess!"
"We are going to Mars!"
(And all this time, unknown to any of them, Agent Whiskers had been watching all the events as they unfolded, while feverishly plotting his next move...)
