I can't turn my brain off.

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Sorry, this has no place here. I'm just frustrated with myself and no one I know can empathise so I need an outlet. I hope this isn't a sin or something.

I don't run FreeBSD. I run Linux on one machine that I barely use but only because I had lofty ambitions once and I didn't want ads in my start menu. I don't write software or do anything involving fine details of software at all, and it's not for lack of time -- there's just nothing I even want to do in the field. I'm of no use.

Yet, I can't stop ruminating on software subjects. Lately it's been ELF: I was impressed it had become as ubiquitous as it has despite only ever having one version, and I noticed some awkward things, but really those things had no tangible detriments; nonetheless my brain has been buzzing uncomfortably with ways to "fix" these "deficiencies", despite not knowing anything about the subject or having any interest in doing anything with it. My brain is infected and I wish I could just burn it.

Now, it's possible I just don't understand my own emotions on the matter. That would be typical. And here especially there are many complicating factors: I have ADHD so bad I can't even read code in any language, it's hard to find people in person who care about the specific sub-fields that I do, in this culture more than others it's the norm that everyone who's visible is creating things, and new developments in the field are universally more depressing than exciting. So it's very possible that there's some way of engaging that's healthy for me, but I'm yet to find it. In the meantime, my head hurts.

I'm not hoping or expecting anything in particular by posting here. I'm very isolated so often even having the opportunity to externalise things is a rarity. As in all areas of life, I'm not thinking about the future, or where my actions will take me; the present moment is enough to worry about.
 
linja said:
I have ADHD so bad I can't even read code in any language
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Learn how to use your ability to hyperfocus. Hyperfocus has other issues though, I just forget to eat and drink when I'm completely zoned in. ADHD is all about getting a good routine and sticking to it. But our ADHD brains won't make it easy until you get that routine.

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OM0Xv0eVGtY
 
Well, on these Forums, you can usually see by comments who actually cares about same subjects that you do...

As for focus - I'd like to suggest a good workout - the kind where you get so tired that you can't even think straight, and are on autopilot for shower and dinner before hitting the sack for a good night's sleep. It's OK if the body is sore the next day, BTW... Sometimes that helps me to snap out of a funk.
 
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I was about to say "Welcome home". Here you'll find a lot of people on the spectrum and on the AD(H)D plane.
 
Sit back and watch a Temple Grandin documentary. It's relaxing.

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Disclaimer: This is not professional help.
 
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linja said:
… I can't stop ruminating on software subjects. …
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When my ruminations on any subject become endless, I tend to immerse myself in TV until I sleep.

linja said:
… I'm very isolated so often even having the opportunity to externalise things is a rarity. …
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Externalising is good. I think.

Isolation is not a bad thing, per se, but (if you can) accept it for as long as it lasts, and ruminate on something that makes you happy. It needn't be something that's present, or in your control.

Ruminate, if you like, on that occasion on the bus, whenever it was, when a small child's thoughts randomly changed to sing a song, uninvited, to her father, and suddenly the world was wonderful and full of hope.
 
linja You can harness this energy and see it as a positive thing instead - it sounds like it gives you a superpower of determination.

You can still be creative without writing code, and absolutely useful. If FreeBSD (or any other software application) was only about code, it would have died years ago. There's people here who write documentation or the handbook, or just responding to queries on the forum, or solving configuration issues, or try to get Cyberpunk 2077 to run in a QEMU-hosted Windows VM on Raspberry Pi hardware. None of that is code, and this is all part of it. And programmers are not "worth" more or less than these people.

Less specifically, an interest or a hobby doesn't have to be all consuming and always current. My software interest went into remission for a good ten years before I recently started playing about again. Those ten years were invested in doing a job for ten hours a day which was related to my software interest, so my free time became cycling, going to the woods to stare at trees, and being outside as much as humanly possible. I got hypothermia once, in June, no less!

Patience with yourself is essential.
 
IMO, physical activity is helpful Go in the forest, park and pick up you tree and talk with it....
Buy if you don't have a book from Antoine de Saint-Exupery Little Prince. Not so many pages and it shows you how can be life very simple if you are looking with the other eyes.
 
Being not able to turn your brain and thinking off seems to be quite common here, so
Be Welcome Seeker!

Get pleasantly lost in whatever interests you, enjoy the discovery!
Switch off screens an hour before you go to bed, drink something warm, take a hot shower and sleep well. Keep rithm, take fresh air. And pick up your journey when you wake up.
 
Crivens said:
Some NLP can help.
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There is no scientific evidence supporting the claims made by NLP advocates, and it has been called a pseudoscience. Scientific reviews have shown that NLP is based on outdated metaphors of the brain's inner workings that are inconsistent with current neurological theory, and that NLP contain numerous factual errors. Reviews also found that research that favored NLP contained significant methodological flaws, and that there were three times as many studies of a much higher quality that failed to reproduce the claims made by Bandler, Grinder, and other NLP practitioners.
 
linja said:
My brain is infected and I wish I could just burn it.
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Don't beat yourself up for who you are. Being kind to yourself and accepting yourself can be very hard to learn but well worth the effort, no matter what else you do.

linja said:
I have ADHD
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[You probably already know this but just in case] There are online ADHD specific forums that may be of some help in understanding your ADHD as well as finding a supportive community, coping strategies etc. ADHD comes with a bunch of co-morbidities that can make life even more challenging. On these forums you can ask anything and learn from other people's experience.

linja said:
I'm very isolated so often even having the opportunity to externalise things is a rarity.
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You are not alone in feeling alone! Unfortunately a worldwide phenomenon, much worse after COVID years. Try to find your online "tribe" as well as local communities.
 
This may sound silly but limit your time behind the screen.
Get a bike or ride a skateboard in-between computer sessions. Get some binoculars and watch the local wildlife.
They will teach you much.
 
This is a lot more attention than I expected. I'll try to respond to everything.

Alain De Vos Don't know if I'd call that "simple". From a thousand yards every problem is either solved or unsolvable. Getting into and then through something to see the solvable yet unsolved problems takes much time and effort, which is difficult before I see the point.

SirDice I know some self-manipulation techniques. Gating, stacking, and capitalising come to mind (I just made up these words). I would prefer to prioritise physiological needs above productivity so I don't think I'll force hyperfocus.

rmomota It's been far too long since I was camping. I do remember enjoying it greatly and feeling at ease. Logistically difficult now though. I can't drive and I have no one to go with.

astyle Hm. It's an idea. My workouts when I've done them have been at a local gym and I don't like the prospect of autopiloting home, but maybe it's possible to have a sufficiently strenuous routine in my own space. I'll think about it.

junkyalleycat Not helpful. I want less ELF in my brain, not more.

Crivens Yeah I know. Autism causes science and all that. When I was younger the adults cycled through every technical profession to recommend I pursue -- they seemed to think I'd be good at any of them. They had their reasons but they didn't anticipate what happened.

George Yes, severe clinical depression. Almost total inability to feel joy. And no, I am not useful. I'm afraid of being useful. If I'm of use to people then they might depend on me, then if I can't sustain usefulness harm will come to them and I will be responsible. I can do things in isolation and I always do when opportunities arise but I can't be depended on.

CuatroTorres Thanks, this is helpful. Well, maybe. It's in a helpful direction. Narrow the space of pursuits a bit, if only for evaluation. I'll look at that at some point.

grahamperrin Nope, my ruminations proceed on their own. I think of my mind as a vast incomprehensible expanse, and myself as a mere lost traveller within it. Intrusive and unhelpful thoughts are part of an entity larger than my entire consciousness. I cannot sway them.

taiwan740 That's the thing though, it's not even energy; it's just floating voltage. I can't do anything with it -- the second I try, it vanishes. I appreciate the breadth of efforts required to bring anything into existence and I don't think of any role as greater or lesser than any other; I'm just not a part of what's going on here. The question of interest touches on the meaning of life which for me currently is not a thing that can be achieved, so I'm happy for you but I can't comment.

fernandel So I've heard. Hard to maintain though. Effects are slow. Also all parks around my area are swarming with young children which is incredibly distressing for me. (Historical reasons.)

zsolt I like being drunk but I don't want to make a habit of drowning thoughts. That leads to dependence and in this case, alcohol poisoning.

Crivens Not an issue for me but see above.

meine I know being pleasantly lost. The issue is when getting lost is not pleasant. The rest is good advice that I would like to observe, but if I can't see in front of me because my mind is too active it's a real challenge.

getopt Thanks for the tip. Though, mental health pseudoscience tends to be more reliable than most, simply because the best advice is very simple and can be followed by accident in many ways.

bakul That's a real challenge. What is right and what isn't, and what right have I to bend that around myself? I've lost many people for breaking rules I either couldn't follow or didn't understand; if I don't keep myself in a vice grip everything will fall apart.
I hate the Internet. It's heroin for the brain. Completely wrecks psychology. I have a rule that the Internet is strictly a medium, not a place: I only use it to coordinate and augment in-person interaction. That's a lot healthier for me. I have many clinicians who know my many afflictions inside and out; I don't need the blind leading me.
My loneliness is profound. It's not just friends I lack, it's family as well. Many people don't have anyone except <x>, I don't even have <x>. It's to the point now that whenever I get close enough to anyone, I'm afraid to ever reach out to them because the sheer extent of my interpersonal needs will scare them off. I can't give what I need, so I wouldn't be welcome in any "tribe". I'd be a drain.

Phishfry Good advice. Issue is I hate going places alone for no reason. All it does is make me aware that no one wants to do anything with me. The last time I went out for a walk I had to call an ambulance because my skin fit wrong on my body.
 
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Too Much Medicine: The epidemic of pre-diabetes: the medicine and the politics

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Aldous Huxley wrote that “Medical science has made such tremendous progress that there is hardly a healthy human left.”
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I must have read somewhere, the state of happiness and joy is not the normal state of a person, they are states of exaltation. Ends.
You can be accompanied and feel lonely equally, I think this is happening often, more so since the appearance of smartphones and COVID.
Yes, I also think that the Internet is not a place to be, you should set schedules and dedicate your time to things that you really like. It's just a matter of taking a few minutes... the brain will ask for more. Perhaps what is missing is a sense of responsibility to continue with the task. Don't dismiss the idea of looking for a job, even if it's volunteering.

Again: just my opinions.

Discipline is better than motivation, it doesn't depend on mood.
Paradoxically, all of these messages are for your motivation.
 
Let's see where ADHS comes from. Should it have no benefits, it would be removed from genetics long ago.
With this, you are a good hunter. What I can say is you should really go see the nature, sit around and register the wildlife around. You don't even need to identify them, just register them. Maybe track a bird behind you using your ears. Finding a place without other humans may be a challenge.
 
Alcohol works well for many people, but some can get into a dependency if they use it daily. Especially if there is nobody watching their back. A therapist can watch one's back, and more.
 
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