Get this damn cat out of my apartment.

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If anything ever belonged in "off topic" this is it. Not even you DutchDaemon are going to tell me THIS ONE don't belong in "OFF TOPIC" lol. When me and my girl moved into this apartment there was a cat that had a litter of kittens, they were all running amuck outside. Naturally we felt bad. So we felt bad enough to feed them for a little while. I go outside, he's sleeping in my chair. :/ Oh how cute.

That lasted about a month. Look, I got laid off times are tough, this girl ALREADY has two ferrets which she makes me take care of but thats another story all together. I stopped feeding them about two weeks ago. This morning my numb, (not the ferrets, the cats you idiot, now pay attention!) yes numb, not dumb. The lights are on I swear. Girlfriend left the front door open.. This behavior from the chick who complains about leaving the computers on yet leaves every light on, cupboard doors, front doors no exception, apparently, wide open.

NO BIG DEAL RIGHT. I shut the door, nothing needs to be said don't want to argue today. Just gonna get my coffee and go back to THANKS for playing. I take two steps towards my bedroom as I sip my coffee and spit it all over the place. Ok ok, that's an exxageration. But I DID stop dead in my tracks. Theres a ******* cat on my bed. Now. That doesn't seem all to bad does it? Just a cute little kitty, wants to be loved, all that bullocks. WRONG. Listen, the things not normal, and he's got an attitude. If I go near him he hisses.

I fed him he ate a whole god damn bowl of beef stew *my lunch* mind you, trying to be nice here. He eats it in a panic like an ethiopian with a lunch ticket, (no offense meant, just an example I hate those commercials they make me sad :( ) anyway, he finishes eating and goes and sits on the couch just chilling like he is paying RENT. I sit next to him ever so slowly, merging little by little, not to "alarm" him. He hisses, goes in the bedroom and lies back on my bed. Oh my, i'm sorry, was it something I said? WTF. This is no normal cat. So hours go by, he's currently hiding behind the bed, I can't get him out, my girlfriend went to work, Leaving me here with two ferrets that cant come out and play (can you IMAGINE.) because now there is a rabid kamikaze cat with an attitude larger than hers. (like I needed to add to that effect.)

And so here I am. This is god's plan for me with this cat tabby-krueger inches behind me ready to attack my throat, so close yet so far away and if you don't mind me saying so I think the spicyness of that beef stew I made yesterday just got to him, because it just got to me if you know what I mean. It smells awful. We bought regular cat food its over by the DOOR as well as a little box so he can even drop off whatever he needs on the way OUT. But the god damn cat won't leave. Suggestions welcomed. And not for the girlfriend, for the cat. (I already tried.) Seriously though, I feel bad but I am not about to go stick my face behind the bed it's not your typical bed there's no "under" it it touches the floor completely and hes wedged in between it and the wall. How can I help him feel more comfortable? I tried playing the guitar but it appears he doesn't like metallica or pantera much, and I don't do country so don't ask the little **** can stay there. Jesus christ on crutches. THe thing won't let me near it, he's crazier than a bag of angeldust.
Lol. I thought I was reading reddit.

But anyway, I guess it's not an option for you to 'place' the cat somewhere else? Cats are good in 'making a comeback' though. I have a number of strayed cats in my area, I do feed them, let them in the house, but I'll chase them out after they had their happy hours (they'll rush in the minute I open the door back, they just don't get it).

Can't help you much in getting the cat out of your apartment. Plus you feed it well, that's a bonus point for him(is it a dude?) to 'stay' there.

Would you still like to try winning the cat's heart?

There's a saying.. 'When you feed the dogs, they think you're a god. When you feed the cats, they think they're gods". Lol.

And it's bollocks btw ;)
lol. If I had to guess it's a she. Not sure where i'm getting that conclusion from. (*clears throat*).. I am feeling brave I seen some videos online where the ferrets are playing with the cats. If the cat don't come out by 11 o'clock, I'm just gonna let the little guys "ferret" the trespasser out. What's the worst that will happen. If I have to I can flip the bed over and stop them. Maybe they will become friends but I sure as hell ain't sticking my head under there to find out for myself. And if it ends up the cat's good with the ferrets it can stay but this needs to resolve before the bigger boss comes home. Just imagine everything tipped over in my apartment and me doing jumping jacks on the bed like a nutjob when she comes home screaming call the cops! This is my life. I wouldn't mind the damn thing if it were playful instead of being all creepy and ninja like. I can hear it right under my head near the floor. Don't give me that scared stuff either, the little **** wasn't scared when he was consuming my lunch lol.
Oh yea, you mentioned kitten, must be a mom then. No wonder she's a bit aggressive (I got bitten by a mama cat despite that we were close together when she was single). I think she thinks you're a threat to her kids lol. Give her a few gentle strokes if you get the chance. It'll take some time.
I moved the bed and weeded her out of under there, (wearing two hoodies and a hockey mask. jk jk.. I didn't feel comfortable with the ferret idea thought somebody would get hurt. (most likely me when my sorry ass intervened to break them up.) I managed to give her the cat food finally instead of that beef stew earlier lol (it's all we had) and most of all water it seemed really thirsty. I was able to corner it and give it quite a few pets talking in a calm voice it hissed a bit and my normal reaction was to jump my arm like a skirt making it worse and so i closed my eyes while petting it and it's now in the corner of the bedroom. I did this once before when I got a cat for my son me and him laid next to the bed and the cat was under it for a while but I don't remember it being this long of a time before it came around. This one is terrified. Anyway i'll let you know how she does. At least now I can see the thing. When my girl comes home i'll take a picture of it. I feel bad like I am forcing it to be here but if we in fact like it as a pet, wouldn't it get used to it and be better off in the long run? I know for a fact two of the other kittens got hitt by a car and died. And I think it's spraying or something man it stinks to holy hell then goes away. It only seems to happen when it's really scared. Owning ferrets I know all about the scent glands and stuff but mine are descented do cats have them or something? This is the kitty from hell.
What do you mean 'forcing it to be here'? I thought the cat refused to leave.

Well it's a she.. you know the problem with female and hormones and all. Lol. AFAIK only the males like to spray around.
I don't know if it's a girl or boy I didn't check, and don't intend on it right away lol. When I shut the door it couldn't get back out, We kept it in the house and it ran in the bedroom. She wants to keep it. I managed to put on a hoodie a few minutes ago and grab it and held it really tight but safely definietely not hurting it. I restrained it and cleaned its eyes. Talked to it the whole time in a soft voice. It managed to get one scratch out of my hand at first. But its nose was running and It had eye boogers. So thats when I put on the hoodie and grabbed him. I also scratched its nose, rubbed its ears and it seemed to like it. Then my girl got home and was here sitting on the bed and i gently let it go it sat there for a second looked at us and went back under the chair but calmly this time. I hand fed it two pieces of my steak she brouught me home and it ate it up. I think it's starting to come around. I'll know by tomorrow afternoon and keep you posted. I was gonna send you pictures but this girl is addicted to facebooks 'farmville' like the rest of the sheep and won't let me near the laptop. i'll stick some up later.
Am always interested in knowing the gender, lol. Sorry about that. Sounds like you've started to get along with the kitty. Great :)

And oh yes, cats love getting their ears cleaned.
Nah, to the vacuum, he scratched me good the little bugger with an attitude like that he's a keeper. I can't wait for him to come around. He got my sympathy the little brut. He's behind the bed again I grabbed a litterbox from the store and I got it next to the bed for tonight hopefully he/she will use it and not the floor. If I can get it trained i'll keep it but I won't be putting up with any of that nonsense.
Most posters seem to have a bad ENTER or RETURN key. I am fond of cats and like cat stories, but the lack of whitespace turned me off.

So please add some whitespace when you post. ;)
I'll second J65nko white space recommendation.

Having said that even without the white space, I keep comming back to this thread and I don't like cats - unless my dog is chasing them. For some reason the adventures of you and this cat are a compelling story...or maybe it monday and I don't really feel like working...either way where are the pics of you as Jason and cat!


Staff member
With a little TLC, this should be quite possible:


P.S.: we are presupposing a living animal, or it would be cheating.
P.P.S.: laptop model may vary; cat too.


Staff member
Brandybuck said:
Just start vacuuming. Guaranteed to cause kittehs to disappear.

Not mine :e They love to be vacuumed :p

I have 5 cats, 2 14 year old torties (both female), 2 3 year old blacks (one male, one female) and 1 3 year old tabby (female).

I've raised several litters with my (now) ex-girlfriend. Do you have an idea of how old s/he is? Males usually don't start spraying until they are sexually active. This is usually the best time to get him neutered. Females normally don't spray but sometimes they do. You will know when they're in heat :e

It's quite easy to spot male/female organs, just have a quick look.

Anyway, make sure s/he has a litterbox, some food and drink (just plain water will do fine). Don't be tempted to give a cat milk. When they stop suckling kittens will go lactose intolerant, if you give them milk they will get diarrhea.

Try to pet it, even if s/he ducks away. Keep at it. If s/he ducks away and you leave it they'll start thinking it's correct behavior. Probably not what you want. Entice it with some nice treats.

There's probably a zillion more things I could write but for now I think this will do.
I caught him again just now, he's been ducked behind the bed since lastnight. I ripped everything apart, caught him and held him down petting him again but he was so scared I just let him go around the house again and who knows where he is now.

Theres is food, theres water, a litter box to crap in and it's raining outside. I am just gonna back off and see what he does if this doesn't level out in a day or two tops I am just gonna set him free again.

As for the whitespace in my previous posts, and the people who let me know, I didn't realize it was so serious or hurtful on the eyes. My fingers tend to ramble on and my posts get so big that usually the last thing I want to do is make it bigger with 30 enters.

But at least it's bigger and cleaner on the eyes your right. Spelling is one of my stronger points. Formatting and punctuation "are not" lol. Sorry. Pics will come when my chick comes home with her phone. I have a cheap NOKIA.
fronclynne said:
Umm, cats are pretty much made of meat, right?

You are a strange little man. We are going to get along just fine. But i'll pass on the cat-kabobs. (they give me gas.)
My sister's old cat used to ride around on top of the vacuum when it was on staring at the light on the floor.

I like cats, and in fact am a 'cat person' much more than a 'dog person'. However, feeding strays like that is asking for trouble. My animal loving hippie neighbor felt bad for the one stray cat in the neighborhood the summer before last and started feeding it. We were up to 6 cats at one point. Wake up at night to the sounds of them either fighting or having sex, they clawed up the screen on my front storm door so that it no longer keeps bugs out of the house, they lay under our cars (waiting for one to get sucked into the engine), walk all over our cars (paw prints all over), and my yard is their litter box. I was working on an electrical problem in my boat last summer and was going back and forth from the garage to the boat with tools/equipment, never being more than about 15' from the door. The next morning, ditz-brain comes over and says that one of her stray cats is trapped in our garage! Stupid thing went in while I was working on the boat!!! If I didn't live in the city near old people with nothing better to do than spy on other people with binoculars from their window, I would have a few less 22 shells and there would be no cats. What I really wish is that I could borrow one of the coyotes that are around a co-worker's house... ;)

One thing to watch out for with cats, especially a stray, is that they love chewing on things. Particularly wires that connect computer components together. My buddy had every wire in his system shredded by a cat his g/f let in his house, except the power cord. It was chewed on a bit, but it must've gotten a zot because there was only one place where the wire was visible. Rubbing dish soap on them and letting it dry supposedly makes them not chew on them, but also makes them emit a steady stream of liquid poo for the next two days. (According to his g/f.)

The strong smell you're smelling, if it's the same as the cat my sister had when she was married, indicates that it has a urinary tract infection and is urinating on your carpet/bed/anywhere else it is.
inurneck said:
I caught him again just now, he's been ducked behind the bed since lastnight. I ripped everything apart, caught him and held him down petting him again but he was so scared I just let him go around the house again and who knows where he is now.


"I will love him and squeeze him"
*inurneck would like to thank you for this useful and inspiring post.*

LOL oh man.
From what I know it was one litter around here and most of them have been picked up, or unfortunately run over. (I haven't seen them in a while this is the only one left.) He isn't peeing everywhere because it don't smell all the time just when he's freaked and then it goes away.

And that's the first thing I plan on getting under control is the littler box once he's stable. I mentioned that earlier I won't tolerate it. But your right that's how it happened we felt bad.

They were so tiny and helpless. I would never let it get to that point you mentioned though. Not in a hundred years. Thanks for the info however.
roddierod said:

"I will love him and squeeze him"

LOL I know I sounded like a freak but if I don't restrain the little shat he cuts my hands all up. I had to wear a hoodie with the sleeves over my hands. Thanks for the image and reminder of that cartoon that was funny. hahaha.
SirDice said:
Males usually don't start spraying until they are sexually active. This is usually the best time to get him neutered.

Then the yellow cat at my place must be sexually active all the time. Lol. Thought they do that to mark their 'territories' (yea right, my car tires, front door,etc).

Last time I had one of the strayed cat neutered and one day my brother came home and said.. "Hey I thought you had him spayed?"


"Then why is he humping a cat outside?"

"Spayed means he can't make babies anymore, not that it killed off his sexual desire."

Doesn't it work that way?


Staff member
sixtydoses said:
Then the yellow cat at my place must be sexually active all the time. Lol. Thought they do that to mark their 'territories' (yea right, my car tires, front door,etc).
They very much do so indeed once they get going x(

To get rid of it don't go chasing him with a water hose or something sinister like that ;)
At worst you'll make him afraid of you, at best he won't spray... when you're around, but as soon as you leave...

If a male feels at ease with his 'territory' he won't spray. As soon as he feels threatened (by another cat i.e.) he'll start marking. So the trick is to pet him often and keep the litterbox nice and clean :e
SirDice said:
To get rid of it don't go chasing him with a water hose or something sinister like that ;)

Are you my neighbour? Lol.. jk :p

No, I didn't chase the cat away with water hose. Well I understand his position, with me petting other cats as well he's probably trying to win a territory by spraying. I always thought it's more like a habit. Will neutering get rid of that bad habit?

Besides, he's the only cat with the balls, the rest were spayed. That ought to make him more superior. Lol.
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